


Lavender Macaroons & Cable Knit Sweaters

by praisemadamespellman



Series: One-off Stories [1]
Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018), Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018) RPF, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina - Sarah Rees Brennan
Genre: Crack, Inspired by Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26282392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/praisemadamespellman/pseuds/praisemadamespellman
Summary: What if Hilda Spellman was Queen of Hell?
Relationships: Hilda Spellman/Melvin, Hilda Spellman/Nicholas Scratch
Series: One-off Stories [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1923334
Comments: 8
Kudos: 14





	Lavender Macaroons & Cable Knit Sweaters

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lucy Davis](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Lucy+Davis).



> Based on Lucy Davis' IG post: https://www.instagram.com/p/CErwp8-B3pp
> 
> Where she wrote:
> 
> Small spoiler: Hilda befriends everyone in Hell, they make her Queen, she tucks them into bed at night and sings ‘99 bottles of beer on the wall’ until they nod off. Lilith’s a bit annoyed about it but is ok when hilda makes her favorite dish - delicate lavender macaroons with a raspberry coulis. Lucifer is fine with it because Hilda makes him some cosy sweaters so he no longer has to be shirtless all the time poor thing. So all in all, that’s a nice ending for the show. That and #nilda obviously. The end.

“Now now Abraxas, I know that Baal and Pazuzu weren’t being very polite earlier today but don’t you worry, you’re all very very evil and mortals are very very scared of you.” Hilda Spellman purred softly to the hellish demon as her fingers curled around the blanket she knitted for him and pulled it up under his chin. “Don’t you worry about them, I’ll speak to them.” When the demon closed his eyes, the blonde witch tucked the corners in around him then got up and moved to Baal and Pazuzu’s beds.

“I am very disappointed in the two of you. You know better than to single anyone out of your nefarious plans. Abraxas is an extremely old demon which means you could learn a lot from him. Now, promise Aunt Hilda you’ll behave better tomorrow and I’ll sing you to sleep.” The ghoulish duo hissed with their forked tongues and batted their wart-covered lashes innocently. “Good boys, now close your eyes and I’ll begin.”

Stepping into the center of the room, Hilda looked around proudly at the beds full of fiends all awaiting their nighttime lullaby. She was actually quite surprised by how much she was enjoying her position as Queen of Hell; after she was resurrected, Hilda decided that was the absolute last time she was going to crawl her way out of that bloody Cain pit. If she was going to continue to be interred, she may as well live under the Earth, so she travelled down into Hell. She was shocked and horrified at how Lucifer and Lilith were treating the poor demons, those little dears, so she took matters into her own hands.

Auntie Queenie, as all the demons called her, began to sing; “Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall…” Hilda had discovered the power of this simple tune one night when the demons wouldn’t stop bickering amongst one another, she started to sing at the top of her lungs and to her shock and awe, all of the demons fell asleep! From that moment on, singing “Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall” had become a nightly routine.

“Sixty-nine bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-nine bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around, sixty-eight bottles of beer on the wall…” The demons all snuggled deep beneath the blankets Hilda had knitted for them, some had already begun to snore, others to hiss in their sleep. Like a proud mother, Hilda walked between them, smoothing out a furrow brow, tucking a wing in under the covers, putting out an unintentional fire…”Fourty-two bottles of -”

Auntie Queenie was rudely interrupted as Lilith rolled aggressively into the room on an office chair, glaring at Hilda over her dark rimmed glasses with a sneer; “Satan’s sake Hilda! I am trying to organize the souls over here. Will you PLEASE keep it down??”

All three-hundred-and-forty-two demons sat straight up, wide awake, and hissing violently at Lilith, their forked tongues flickering, some spewing fire in her direction, claws at the ready. Throwing her hands up, the former Queen of Hell pushed against the ground with her toe and wheeled backwards out of the room; “Fine. FINE!”

The demons settled once more and Hilda ran through the song until the bitter, lengthy end; “No more bottles of beer on the wall, no more bottles of beer. There's nothing else to fall, because there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.” There were several variations to the ending of that little ditty, so Hilda chose a different ending every night knowing that variety was the spice of life. 

Once the demons were asleep, Hilda tiptoed out of the room and gently closed the door. The *click* woke Zelda Spellman from her slumber and she jumped to her feet from the chair she’d been dozing in; “Sister! All finished? Shall I prepare your evening chamomile tea now?”

“That would be lovely, Sister, thank you. I’ll meet you in the throne room to take my tea.” Hilda smiled as Zelda spun on her heel and walked briskly off to Hell’s kitchen. Once she was around the corner, Hilda did a little wiggly dance and giggled, she still wasn’t used to being served by the High Priestess. She almost felt guilty about it until she remembered how many deaths she’d suffered at the elder Spellman’s hands. 

“So uhh….m’Queen?” Lucifer rounded the corner, looking down at his navy blue cable knit sweater, pulling it away from his body and frowning down at a large hole in the center of it. 

“Yes, Luci?” Hilda snorted a bit, thoroughly enjoying her pet name for Lucifer, then she followed his gaze down to the abhorrent hole in the sweater she’d knitted just for him and the massive bloody gashes in his torso beneath the shirt.

“Yes, I know. I’m sorry. I was wrestling with Valac this afternoon and he got over excited...you know how he gets...and went to town on me with his claws. I should know better than to wrestle with Valac, I really should reserve that play for Mephistopheles only but...well...he BEGGED. And you know how I am. Such a stupid softie.” He shrugged and smiled stupidly at Hilda. “Can you fix it?”

Hilda shook her head, annoyed, and motioned with her hand for Lucifer to take off the sweater. “You’re a lost cause Luci. You need to learn how to say NO or those boys will just take advantage of you!”

Lucifer gave her a boyish grin and shrug, removing his sweater and handing it to her. Hilda blew out softly at the sight of his seventeen-pack. Those abs though. Shaking her naughty thoughts free from her mind, Hilda snatched the sweater and returned to scolding him. “This is the last time I’m fixing this sweater Luci. The next time you ruin one of my beautiful creations, you’ll be sleeping with Belial.”

“But he expels noxious gas in his sleep!” Lucifer recoiled in disgust.

“Then you’ll be more careful about your choice of playmates, won’t you?” Hilda nodded sharply, like a Queen, turned on her heel and stalked off towards the throne room.

### 

Sucking her teeth at the damage that had been done to Lucifer’s sweater, Hilda sighed and settled into the large hand-throne, her feet dangling over the edge. Much to Lilith’s chagrin, Auntie Queenie had one of her minions paint the nails of the throne a lovely pale pink, it made her gleefully happy every time she saw it. The painted nails infuriated Zelda and it made Hilda smile every time she asked for her bedtime tea service and Zelda had to look upon them as she poured her sister’s tea. This evening Zelda brought a small plate of delicate lavender macaroons with a side of raspberry coulis, Lilith’s favourite treat, along with the chamomile tea. Hilda had made them this morning when Lilith was being particularly cranky, pouting and stomping around muttering about her lack of a crown. Poor princess. Hilda really did feel sorry for the witch but it wasn’t her fault the demons needed an actual mother. So to make her feel better, Hilda had whipped up her favourite macaroons.

“I thought you might want a bedtime snack, Hildy.” Zelda reached forward, offering Hilda a cup of tea. Nearby a minion hurried to kneel at Hilda’s feet, his palms outstretched like a table for Hilda’s teacup. Delighted, she took a sip then set it on the minions palm-table and graciously took the plate of macaroons, pouring coulis all over them. 

“How thoughtful of you dear sister. Please do sit and keep me company.” Zelda settled on a stair, visibly irritated at having to sit below her sister but sipping on her tea quietly.

Coulis-covered macaroon in hand, Hilda reached out and offered it to her minion who gladly opened her mouth, unhinged his jaw, and devoured it without chewing. She clapped her hands at his little trick and delicately bit into hers. Pulling a special macaroon out of her sweater pocket when Zelda wasn’t looking, Hilda dipped it in coulis and offered it to her sister, “Here Zelds, this one is for you!”

Zelda took it with thanks and bit into it, enjoying the flavour until it suddenly became bitter in her mouth. Her eyes widened as she dropped the other half and glared at her sister, “HILDA! How could yo-” Her sentence was cut short by her quick and painless death. Her body going limp and sliding aggressively down the steps of the throne.

“Oooops. That’ll bruise.” Hilda scrunched her shoulders up as she giggled, shrugging. It had been a few weeks since she’d killed Zelda, she was overdue. “Uhh...you...yes, that you. Can you carry her up to the cemetery? I’ll throw her in the Cain pit before my date with Melvin.” Another minion scurried to do the Queen’s bidding, carrying Zelda’s limp form out of Hell.

It was Friday - weeknights were reserved for dates with Melvin and Hilda was looking forward to their midnight stroll through Greendale Woods. Melvin had suggested they have a full moon picnic, he was such a romantic. Quite the opposite to Nicholas, whom Hilda saw only on weekends. Saturday nights in particular. SINturday nights as she liked to call them. Melvin was going to meet her in the cemetery because he wasn’t particularly fond of Hell, he preferred to stay above ground, the sweet little bean. Hilda finished her tea and macaroons, hopped down off of her throne, patted her minion on the head, and went to get ready for her date.

Melvin leaned over and wiped a bit of dirt off of Hilda’s cheek, she batted her lashes coyly; “Thank you dear, I had some business to attend to in the cemetery and got a bit dirty in the process.”

“You know Hilda, Zelda is going to be furious when she resurrects.” Melvin laid down a gingham picnic blanket in the middle of a clearing, the full moon shining down on his precious cherub face.

Hilda settled down next to him and tugged playfully at his sweet black bowtie, “Oh Melly, Zelds has been killing me for years. All of my life in fact. It’s her turn now. Crawling up through some dirt will do her good. Besides, even if she wanted to retaliate I’ve replaced all of her shovels with trick shovels - they ooze toxic liquid if used against me! She tried it once….reaaaalllyyyy didn’t like it.” Hilda snorted softly, grinning at Melvin. 

Melvin smiled, pouring them two glasses of wine, and pulled cheese and crackers out of a basket. “If that makes you happy pumpkin, then I’m happy.” 

Hilda loved when Melvin called her pumpkin, it made her feel all warm and fuzzy inside, she snuggled up to him as he wrapped his arms around her and then sipped their wine and ate their cheese late into the night. 

“Don’t you ever get jealous of Nickie?” Full of cheese, Hilda was lying across the blanket with her head resting on Melvin’s stretched out legs. She looked up at him, curious about his response.

“I don’t feel jealous in the least, Hildy. Nicholas Scratch is an entirely different person to me and it makes me happy to know you have companionship down there in Hell.” Melvin shuddered to think of it. 

Hilda smiled, patting Melvin’s knee. “Mmm...companionship….yes.” That’s what we’re calling it now.

### 

Melvin was right. Zelda was quite unimpressed when she returned to Hell the next morning caked in dirt. Lilith was cranky again and Hilda was busy feeding her lavender macaroons when Zelda stomped into the throne room; “Hilda Spellman! I have had QUITE enough!” 

She stopped in her tracks when she saw the way the macaroon crumbs gathered on Lilith’s lips and fell, almost in slow motion, down the front of her dress. Zelda felt compelled, she just had to brush them off. Entirely forgotten, Hilda watched with amusement as Zelda floated over to Lilith and lightly brushed the crumbs off of her. Lilith smiled, grabbing Zelda’s hand and yanking her down into her lap; “Enjoying this Zelda?” Lilith purred.

“Why...yes, I am. Eat another one.” Zelda swooned. 

Lilith grabbed another macaroon and thrust the entire confection into her mouth, moaning dramatically as she chewed it. Zelda gasped, her hand flying up to her collarbone to clutch at pearls she wasn’t wearing. Amused at the way the macaroons had the witches seeing each other in a different light, Hilda snorted softly and patted Lilith’s shoulder; “Uhh, my sister needs a bath.”

With her mouth full, raspberry coulis gathering at the corner of her lips, Lilith nodded emphatically; “YETH. I can help her with the thoap in the thower.” The two witches spirited off, Zelda feeding Lilith macaroons all the way to the bathroom.

Hilda settled into her throne with a chuckle, pulling Lucifer’s sweater into her lap and muttering about how he needed to be more mindful during his extracurricular activities. Her hands were flying through the stitches when she was interrupted by a handful of demons. “Auntie Queenie, Blackwood is begging for an audience with your holiness.”

Hilda rolled her eyes and sneered. “Fine. Send him in.”

The demons used pitchforks to poke and prod Blackwood into the room, yelping and rubbing his buttocks with each painful prick of their spears. “Thank you for seeing me, your Highness.” Blackwood bowed dramatically and Hilda snorted, continuing to knit.

“What is it you want, Blackwood?”

“Well, I’ve come to ask if you would reconsider…”

“Absolutely not. You’ve hurt my family and now you are paying Heaven’s price. Be thankful I allowed you to live, even if you are living as a mortal. Now...goodbye.” She waved him away with a flick of her wrist, like an annoying gnat she needed to get rid of. Her minions yanked at his collar and hauled him, protesting, out of Hell and back to the mortal world where he now belonged.

Holding the finished sweater out to look at it, Hilda smiled; “Now that’s better! LUCI!”

“Yes, my Queen?” Lucifer trotted into the throne room, shirtless, all seventeen of his abs glistening in the firelight. 

Hilda eyed the former Dark Lord’s sleek form appreciatively, murmuring to herself, “What a shame to cover that up….but he gets so cold without his sweaters.” 

Lucifer ran a hand through his thick mane, turning to show Hilda his good side, preening a bit just for her. “Now that’s enough Luci, vanity does not become you. Here. I’ve fixed your sweater.”

With a leap of joy, Lucifer grabbed his sweater and kissed Hilda on the cheek, bowing deeply and sliding his arms into the sweater. “Thank you my Queen!” He pranced off to do Dark Lordy-business as Hilda called after him, “Be more mindful now!”

It was time to get ready for her date with Nicholas Scratch, being that it was Sinturday. He had suggested some roleplay this evening and requested that Hilda dress like the Queen of Hell. Transporting herself to her room, she stood still while her minions dressed her. First in a pair of black bloomers and corset, which her minion tightened a little too much, causing her to huff and puff. Wheezing, Hilda stepped into a ridiculously dramatic black petticoat and some irritatingly high bejeweled heels. With a frown, clutching at her lungs in hopes that it would ease her breath, Hilda began to wonder exactly how Nickie was going to get her out of all of these clothes. Finally, over top of all this buffoonery came a thirty pound golden brocade gown. Yet again, the minions pulled relentlessly at the corset strings, forcing Hilda onto her tiptoes even while the weight of the dress made her want to sink to the ground. Hilda whimpered. The skirt’s circumference was so massive she worried Nickie would get lost beneath it. 

“No. There’s MORE?” Hilda recoiled as her minion procured a hideous wig and offered it to her. “But that will make me look like Gary-bloody-Oldman! You know...when he did the 1992 Dracula film?” 

The minion placed it on Hilda’s head and fastened it with pins while she grimaced, looking at herself in the mirror. The thick dress forced her arms out and away from her body, her cheeks painted bright pink, the rest of her face a stark white in contrast, and finally the minion tried to place an accordion-looking collar around her neck. That was the last straw; “NO. No, no, nope. I already look like a golden marshmallow, I will not also look like Bozo the Clown. I don’t care what Nicholas Scratch requests, there is nothing sexy about Bozo the Clown.” 

The minion bowed and scurried away as the Queen of Hell looked at herself in the mirror. “Why in unholy Heaven would Nickie request THIS?”

“My darling! You look ravishing!” Nicholas Scratch swept into the room like a Thoroughbred, preening and prancing and looking at himself in every shiny surface that caught his eye. 

“You like it Nickie? I can barely move.” Hilda toddled over to her favourite bad boy and pursed her lips for a wee kiss.

“It’s perfect. The sex demons will love tearing it off your body and I’ll enjoy ravishing what’s underneath. Come along my darling!” Nick took Hilda by the hand, ignoring her pursed lips in favour of staring at himself in her vanity mirror, and pulled her along towards the sex Dungeon where Sinturday always occurred. 

Honestly, between Nick’s narcissism and kinky sex addiction, Hilda was beginning to think she might want good boy Melvin on the weekends as well. But on the other hand, he was extremely exciting and she was beginning to fall for one of the sex demons as well, that little minx, so it was all working out in the end. With a squeal, the reigning Queen of Hell scurried after her tall-dark-and-handsome lover as fast as her bloomer-petticoat-brocade-dress-covered legs could carry her.

### 

The morning sun peeked through a crack in the drapes as Hilda Spellman rolled onto her side and reached out for Nicholas Scratch. Her eyes fluttered open as her hand met with nothing but air, “Nickie…wha-?”

The blonde witch looked around at her bedroom in the Spellman house. Fully confused, she sat up rubbing her temples, looking over at the bed next to her where Zelda snored quietly. Maybe this was a trick Lilith was playing on her, after all, the former Queen of Hell was quite put out that Hilda had taken over. She wouldn’t put it past the Mother of Demons to try to send Hilda back to Earth.

“Zelds? Zelds! ZELDA!” Hilda threw her pillow at her sister, hitting her in the hip.

“Hilda? What in Satan’s name is going on?” The redheaded witch sat up, frowning. “Well?! What IS it!?”

“I….err...I just….weren’t you feeding Lilith lavender macaroons?” Hilda started to doubt herself.

The expression on Zelda’s face communicated her annoyance in great detail, “Why in Heaven would I have fed Lilith macaroons? Honestly Hilda, you can be so irritating at times!”

Hilda slid out of bed, perplexed and began to pace back and forth. There was Lilith and Lucifer...the demons...nighttime lullabies...lavender macaroons. There were cable knit sweaters and Gary Oldman wigs...toxic-spewing fake-shovels...and chamomile tea. Her head spinning, Hilda picked up her pace. Melvin and Nicholas! Minions and Blackwood! Zelda catering to her every whim….s e x demons. Dungeons. Moonlight picnics. The moment Zelda’s hammer connected with Hilda’s head and she fell to the floor, she finally understood that her time in Hell had been nothing more than a dream. As she bled out dramatically on the carpet of the bedroom, Hilda cursed Batibat for her cruelty.


End file.
